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Attention Wal-Mart Shoppers: A rant from an enraged toy collector
You know what I’m talking about. I don’t think I even need to say it. But just for the hell of it, here are a collection of events and things that just plain PO’ed me concerning wal-mart, department stores, and getting there.
“Hey look! A new wave has been released!” you say to yourself as you read the latest postings. Finally! something to do today! So you hop in your car and try to find a decent radio station not playing cher, jewel, celine dion, or any other still-in-the-closet “divas”. You go down and you get to the main road to find many cars going both ways. Well after waiting fifteen minutes to turn right behind a station wagon going left (so big that it’s *** prevents you from turning), you finally get on the road. Great! You’re on your way! but then you slam on the brakes because of the caravan of construction trucks ahead towing tons and tons of sand, disabling their ability to use the accelerator. The land is familiar to you, though, so you know a few shortcuts. So off into the backroads you go. Oh but look! a woman so old her skeleton is decaying is driving her ford taurus so slow you’re actually going backwards through time! Ok, you gotta deal with this for just a few seconds before you can get back on the main road. And you’re back on! back behind the trucks again!!!
Up you come to the exit. You begin to turn into it. But then the three cars in front of you decide to take the exit as well WITHOUT using their blinker! You come down the ramp to join the two-lane road that brings you to wal-mart, and at the bottom is a yield sign. And again you slam on the brakes. Why? Because the man wearing a costco-brand business suit is on his Nokia model 1 talking to, oh, lets say, his wife Gretchen. She’s reminding him to pick up toilet cleaner. This of course distracts him into SOMEHOW believeing that the yield sign is actually a stop sign. A couple of passionate blasts of the horn later, you’re on your way. That as, you would be if you weren’t stuck behind two trucks. You even notice how whenever there are two huge-*** trucks on a two-lane road how they ALWAYS equalize their speed RIGHT next to each other completely disabling you from passing? and then I don’t know why but they decide to slow down more as well! and then you come to the lights. and it’s red. and……………..ITS GREEN! LETS GO! I WANT THOSE [EDITED] FIGURES! But the truckers are still sitting there [EDITED]. THEN they realize it’s green and hit the gas……………………………………………………………………………………(the gas is really hard to press apparently)………………………………………………………………………………
10MPH……………………………………………………………………….
12…………………………………………………………………………………..13………..
you get the point. One of the trucks seperates from the other, and you’re clear to pass. You go down the road a little farther and you’re in the left lane. the fast lane, right? wrong. Why? because a big ol’ white SUV is right in front of you going 40 in a 50. Getting behind an SUV is a deathwish, or anything white for that matter. People with white cars don’t really care what color their car is, so they pick something totally neutral. SUV’s are the modern mini-van. It’s the new choice of soccer mom’s everywhere, and BOY is this [EDITED] in front of you a soccer mom. You think I’m jumping to conclusions? nope! because she proudly proclaims it with one of the ugliest bumper stickers you’ve ever seen. Rust red font; you know precisely what I’m talking about. You just KNOW she’s got all of her kids sports equiptment just packed in their: their lacrosse sticks, their hockey sticks, their tennis sticks, their football sticks, etc. She (and by now you’re wondering why I keep picking on women. Quite simple. Every single person that has effectively PO’ed me, everyone driving white cars, SUVs, and mini-vans- have all been women. Driving is about 10% skill, 15% knowledge, and 75% impulse. Most women do not have that. The [EDITED] is the most effective driving tool ever created) also has at least one graduated kid, since she has the colleges sticker on the opposite side of the window. By this we can evaluate that she must have more children elsewhere since she’s still driving an SUV. She’s also got a WWJD fish about the trunk handle. You want to know what jesus would do? HE’D DRIVE FASTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And here’s the kicker- here’s the real final nail in the coffin. Her license plate? “R4KIDZ”. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You pass her eventually and give her the longest stare in your life.
So you’re finally within sight of Wally World- FINALLY. And you go to turn in to the parking lot. You see the approaching mini-van has a stop sign so you keep on going. BUT they don’t seem to REALIZE that they have a stop sign and they continue going like it’s not a thing at all! Ok, so you’re finally intact and in the parking lot. You see a spot. You go to pull in. well it seems the two SUVs on either side are so ginormous you’re unable to fit. Great. So you go elsewhere. You go to the most convenient part of the lot. so you turn down the lane and then you’re greated by what but ANOTHER mini-van in the MIDDLE OF THE LANE! COMING RIGHT AT YOU! So you scrape the side of your car against the curb and keep on driving. Ah! A spot! You go into it and there’s a cart there. ‘Cept at this point you don’t care at all, so you just nudge it foreward with your bumper.
Now comes the REAL fun part. See, by now you’re pretty damn PO’ed at the world. In you walk through lawn and garden. on your right you’ll see an obese guy wearing sweatpants and a sweatshirt. oh and on your left you’ll see ANOTHER obese guy wearing sweatpants and a sweatshirt! and directly in front of you is an obese woman wearing sweatpants and a sweatshirt with more kids than you have fingers swarming around her and her cart full of fertilizer. One kid is off about 7 feet from her, another 8, another 10. She’s off to the side of the door. all their backs are turned to her, and they’re occupying themselves with whatever. You’re 4 feet from the door. then all of a sudden ALL of the [EDITED] munchkins are RIGHT in front of you guarding the door like it’s fort knox! And the only [EDITED] thing you want to do, if it even means life in solitary confinement is to just kick those [EDITED] all the way into the electronics department.
After doing exactly that, on you go into the actual store. You winnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd all the way around all the over-80 people with king-sized shopping carts and then you’re in a direct line for toys. You’re almost there! finally, the figures you’ve been wanting for SOOOO long! You turn into the isle and- THERE’S A MOTHER WITH A HUGE CART WITH A KID IN IT AND A FATHER WITH A HUGE CART WITH A KID IN IT BLOCKING THE WHOLE [EDITED] ISLE! The kids are screaming, and the parents, they’re like “SHUT UP YOU [EDITED] KID!” and the dad is like “You know what the solution to this problem is? to go home!” And they decide to go home. And you ask them to move. and they don’t respond. And you’re waiting for their solution to begin taking place… five minutes later you’re FINALLY there.
and they don’t have them yet.
You go to leave and after dodging cart after cart carrying god knows what driven by god-knows-what-sex who haven’t bathed in months missing plethoras of teeth, you’re out the door and back in your car. You look in your mirror and there you see a car. you look around. more cars. A WHOLE LINE OF CARS! then you find the source of the problem. A woman with more chins than jabba the hutt waiting for a space in the front. A space occupied by a woman with the most oval *** you’ve ever seen with her shirt tucked in her pants and her pants up to her nose. And this woman, she’s not just getting in her car, no, she’s loading it up with groceries. Now I don’t have a problem with that- what I have a problem with is her friend that just happens to be there comes by and she starts talking to her distracting her from putting away her groceries. And the woman trying to take the spot, she’s STILL WAITING through all of this! More cars keep accumulating behind her, but she doesn’t care, she wants that spot!
Three hours later the ***** finally has her spot, and you go to back out. But you’ve gotta stop immediately because a whole caravan of people with shopping carts laden with children pass behind you like a school of ducklings. the temptation to just slam on the gas and knock them over keeps rising and rising and rising…
You get to the stop light. It turns green. The SUV in front of you doesn’t go. it just sits there. like nothing in the world is happening. Then they FINALLY turn! and you look at the license plate: “R4KIDZ”.Rant over.
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