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I am announcing my candidacy for Supreme Chancellor of the Galactic Alliance!
On the same page with other “True Believers” in politics, I am running for Supreme Chancellor with all the knowledge available to me as a 27 Year Star Wars Fan.
Here are some of the lessons I’ve learned and will incorporate them into my platform:
Military Policy:1) Use a tractor beam on escape pods fleeing ships under government inspection – it’s cruel to destroy them – but they don’t malfunction even if no lifeforms register aboard. Check for droids, and don’t shoot lifeboats. I want this to be a kinder, gentler galaxy.
2) The military will be upgraded and augmented since the Yuuzhan Vong invasion. No contracts will be awarded without first going throug a fair bidding process and Kuat Drive Yards, Sienar Fleet Systems, nor Mon Calamari Ship Building, Slius Van, nor Incom or Corellian Engineering nor any other company will have a monopoly on government contracts. We will rebuild but by being fair about helping all the worlds rebuild and reinvigorate employment.
Commerce and Trade1) Hutts and Toydarians are required to keep all records for income tax and corporate holdings and are subject to QUARTERLY audits to ensure no protection money schemes or other malignant business practices are occuring.
2) Taxation of inter-galactic trade routes will continue, with all funds exclusively ear-marked for hyperspace lanes law enforcement activities with the exception of using surplus funds for subsidizing food programs for impoverished or ecologically devastated worlds.
Domestic Police and Crime Fighting:
1) Racial profiling of Jawas will continue. Every sandcrawler will be stopped and every droid down to every piece of scrap found in it had better have a bill of sale. We will begin using Jawas who violate this policy to clean trash compactors.
2) Green people will not be permitted to carry firearms. This notice applies to Rodians, Duros, Niemoidians (who can’t conceal them in droids either), Aqualish, Gamorreans, Amanans, and in spite of skin pigment variations on Twi’leks, Niktos, and Trandoshans. No exceptions!
3) Jedi borrowing other people’s air speeders will return them repaired and with a full tank of gas – no exceptions!
4) The Bounty Hunters Guild will be by no means permitted to contract for dead-on-delivery. Live capture for government authorities is the only line of work permitted in this occupation. No cruel or unusual delivery methods such as carbon freezing is permitted. Any individual caught hunting outside of the sanctioned Guild is guilty of a felony.
5) Yuuzhan Vong refugees will not be permitted to own creatures which can expell deadly projectiles or bodily fluids. Furthermore, there will be no more anti-government tattoos allowed and all parlors must comply with this business code.
6) Droids are not permitted to carry firearms.
Endangered Species Preservation:
1) Tusken Raiders can be removed off the endangered species list. Moisture farmers wishing to hunt them can go into the Jundland Preserves during the sporting season. Weapons regulations will apply. Those wanting to kill a fair share of Tusken Raiders will be required to only hunt with Death Star Superlasers. In order to aid hunters with complying with this new ordinance, the government will help make free Death Star Superlasers available for all those applying early.
2) Zonoma Sekot will be a no-fly zone except by registered permits available through academic institutions and subject to government oversight by the Jedi High Council.
Construction and Building Permits:
1) Thermal exhaust ports will require extra shielding on all new developments. Older structures will be brought up to code compliance.
2) Safety railings around high places that could be deemed dangerous will be installed immediately. Furthermore, contractors will be required to carry property insurance.
Environmental Protection:1) Wookiees, Shistaviens, Ewoks, Whipids, Eloms, creatures from Alzoc III, and other individuals with excessive amounts of body hair will be required to carry dust-busters with them in all public places. Shedding is not going to be permitted due to some species allergic reactions to fur dander.
2) Reptilian species should also clean up their skin sheddings in public areas.
3) To reduce noise pollution, Gungans are not permitted to speak unless first spoken to.
Animal Rights
1) Rancors will not be kept as pets except on Dathomir. Domesticated Rancors must be registered with a license and collar, and be fed regularly. Annual health inspections are required.
2) Nexus will not be kept as pets under any circumstances. They are dangerous and must be reported to animal control. There are no regulations on hunting them, but survival rates for those who attempt it are not promising, so this activity is highly discouraged.
3) Acklays are also on the restricted species list.
Sports Regulating
1) Weapons will be checked at all sporting events.
2) Podracing, garbage chute diving on Coruscant and Nar Shadda, and Geonosian blood sports are outlawed. Spectators will be prosecuted along with participants and hosts.
Instituting these reforms and more is why I think I would make a fine Supreme Chancellor and help pave the way for a better galaxy!
Vote for Tycho for Supreme Chancellor!
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