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The sequels that NEVER happened
I don’t mean sequels that were planned but got cancelled at some point. I’m talking about the horrible sequels that, as far as you’re concerned, took place in a completely alternate world from the original and therefore are incorrect.
Most sequels are inferior to the original, but some are still pretty enjoyable. Here we (dis)honor those that aren’t.
Oh, and even though this is a SW board, no one is allowed to say “The Phantom Menace” or “Attack of the Clones.” Or even “Revenge of the Sith.” Okay, you can use the names, but actually bringing them up as choices gets this out of the “Other” category.
(Sorry, stillakid. :p)
First up is what has to be the worst movie of all time, sequel or not: Highlander 2: The Quickening. I can live with Highlander 3. I haven’t seen Highlander: Endgame, but can live with it as long as they fudge some reason so there can be only two, or if Connor beheads that pansy from the TV show. But what the hell was this crap? Everything from the original is thrown out, and suddenly the immortals are from space, and they always knew it? And Sean Connery’s not dead? Jeez, I need to stop talking about this, or I’ll get so mad over the time I wasted watching it that I’ll have a heart attack! “Turd” doesn’t even begin to describe this one.
Almost as bad (it would be the worst movie of all time if there were no Highlander 2) is Mortal Kombat: Annihilation. The first wasn’t exactly Oscar calibre, but it was a fun movie (and had that hottie from Billy Madison in it). This wasn’t. In addition to just making it a series of useless cameos of all the characters from the games (the first at least tried to make it look like they had a story), it had some terrible special effects. I wasted money to see it on the big screen, and–no exaggeration–I could see almost every pixel. And, besides, if you get rid of Veronica Vaughan and Connor McLeod and replace them with (other, lesser known) hack actors, and you kill Johnny Cage in the first act, you have a mess. The only semi-redeeming feature was that the guy they cast to play the centaur (the character’s name escapes me) looked exactly like Dave Grohl, so every time he appeared I could ease the pain of watching by pretending it was a Foo Fighters video.
Batman and Robin is another strong contender for worst movie period. The first two were classic (JT, keep the anti-Batman Returns comments out of this one :p), and Batman Forever was pretty fun (though it gets worse with every viewing instead of better). But when Bane is reduced from super-genius to slobbering idiot, and he isn’t even a real character, Batman fans get ticked. And I don’t know how many people actually walked out when “Batman” whipped out his American Express. This was so bad that I hated George Clooney with a passion until I saw O Brother Where Art Thou and realized it wasn’t entirely his fault. I guess the blame falls on Schumacher, who said in an interview at the time, “Batman’s been haunted by the murder of his parents for fifty years. It’s time he got over that.” It boggles the mind that the same guy could direct Falling Down.
Jurassic Park III. Anyone who’s been here for a while has doubtlessly read some of my many rantings on what’s wrong with this “movie.” In a nutshell, there’s no story, they kill the real hero of 1&2 (the T Rex) the first time he shows up (and in a method that was scientifically impossible), the effects sucked for the first time in JP history, and the new “director” and “writer” dispensed with all paleontology to make this. Oh, and the Carnotaurus cameo was a waste, too.
Short Circuit 2. Can someone please explain to me why a guy who says in #1 that his family is originally from Pittsburgh has to get his American citizenship? And why is Johnny (who falls only after R2-D2, Bender, and Optimus Prime in the robot hall of fame) wearing that stupid bandana? And where’s Ally Sheedy? Oh, that’s right. She recognized this was crap even by her exacting standards.
I didn’t see The Blair Witch Project 2, but don’t get me started on everything that’s wrong with this idea. To start with, I’m still not even sure The Blair Witch Project needed to be released to theaters! It was pretty decent, but not something you can watch twice.
Any Disney sequels except for The Rescuers Down Under and Toy Story 2. Walt Disney himself was against sequels, and these are without exception rush jobs with shoddy animation. I saw a few minutes of Atlantis 2 once, and it’s enough to make one vomit. However, I’ll reconsider if they want to make Dinosaur 2 using the same techniques, or The Nightmare Before Christmas 2 as long as Tim Burton’s aboard.
Speaking of Burton, we can’t forget the sequel to his first film, Big Top Pee Wee. All the nerd, none of the charm. Earth-shatteringly bad, even with the great Mr Reubens as the star.
Poltergeist 2 & 3 weren’t terrible movies in the way some of these are, but they were still pretty rancid. The original scared the beejesus out of me (admittedly, I was still a little kid), but these were laughable instead of scary when I wasn’t much older.
Barry Sonnenfeld should be shot for Men in Black II. I didn’t see it either on the principle of the thing. The first ends with Tommy Lee Jones back in a normal life, and Will Smith teamed with Linda Fiorentino. But where’s the lovely Ms Fiorentino this time around? A mockery this is.
For the same reason, I can say that Darkman 2-50, The Substitute 2-12, and The Arrival 2 have to suck as well. Replacing Tom Berenger with Treat Freakin’ Williams? What the hell are you thinking?
I know there are legions upon legions of other dogs out there like these. Help me out, guys.
Edit: Criminy, I forgot Terminator 3! I know some of you folks like it, and it may be a decent movie, but the second one ended perfectly, with there no possibility of Skynet ever existing. Especially without James Cameron’s involvement. C’mon, just leave well enough alone for once!
I also forgot Alien 3 and Alien: Resurrection. Resurrection wasn’t bad–not up to par with the first two, but not bad. However, in my view it never happened, because it picked up where Alien 3 left off, and Alien 3 was such an incredible piece of tripe that, given the (somewhat) happy ending that Newt and Ripley experienced in the wider galaxy at the end of Aliens, there’s no way Resurrection could take place. I much prefer the earlier Dark Horse comics, about a grown up Newt kicking Alien butt! Movies are canon over comics my butt.
Another I forgot and that I’ve not seen is Eddie and the Cruisers 2: Eddie Lives! I’ve spoken with all five people who saw this, and they all agreed: this was a pig terd of amazing proportions.
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